Chapter 304 Overseas Crosstalk Performances
The crosstalk continued, Qi Long talked about Dong Qiang's father's experience of studying abroad, and then sighed:
"Your father studied very well. After graduation, he returned to China and provided food and accommodation for about two years!"
Dong Qiang smiled and said, "Have you found a workplace?"
"In jail!"
"Oh? Prison cafeteria, cooking for the prisoners?"
Qi Long waved his hands: "No, no, no, he is the prisoner who is eating!"
"Ah? That does include food and lodging." Dongqiang made a joke amid everyone's laughter, which escalated the laughter to a higher level.
After the laughter died down, Dong Qiang pulled Qi Long aside and asked, "No, how come learning to cook ended up in jail?"
Qi Long shook his head regretfully: "Ah, I was framed! Oh, I still feel sorry for the old man. Your father just stole something in the kitchen!"
Dongqiang immediately said with a serious face: "It's right to be caught for stealing!"
"If the cook does not steal, the crops will not be harvested"
"Who said this nonsense? No one can steal!"
"The chef industry is not called stealing"
"That's what it's called?"
"Fou (fou), the leftovers from cooking, cannot be served on a plate. You have to take them home to feed your family!"
Dongqiang was puzzled: "Scraps?"
"Yes, that day your family ran out of salt, and he used his fingers to pinch the salt for two dishes at work and took it home. Is that worth ten years?"
Dongqiang's serious expression immediately changed: "That's definitely not worth ten years."
“Sometimes there’s no MSG at home, just make some!”
"It's all a small matter!"
“Sometimes there are the bits of green onion left over, the scraps of ginger left over, the soy sauce that is hard to pour out from the bottom of the bottle, and the lard residue from refining pig fat.”
Qi Long said one by one, Dong Qiang said: Not really, it's a small matter, not worth much
As I was talking about this stew, something seemed wrong.
"The big shovel for cooking in the kitchen, the big spoon for stirring the pot, the cooking pot, the canteen stove, the glass of the canteen window, the table and chairs for eating."
Dong Qiang couldn't say "Not really?" this time. He just said "Ah?" and looked at Qi Long in surprise.
When it comes to "dining tables and chairs", Dongqiang said: "These ten years are not unfair!"
The audience began to laugh, but Qi Long continued to say:
"The ceiling fan, the tiles on the floor, the waiters in the restaurant!"
When he started talking about the waiter, the laughter escalated to the maximum decibel.
Dongqiang was also surprised: "The waiter also steals?"
"Steal what you can use and use it yourself, and sell what you can't use!"
Dongqiang exclaimed: "It wouldn't be excessive to shoot him!"
"Later, the leader of the unit came to the cafeteria with tears in his eyes, crying as he spoke."
"say what?"
"I remember our unit has a cafeteria!"
Dongqiang waved his hands quickly: "Don't look for them anymore, let my dad take them all back!"
Qi Longshu continued from the previous article: "And so the old man was framed and imprisoned."
"This isn't a frame-up, he deserves it!"
"The old man behaved well in prison, often helping in the kitchen and so on. He was supposed to be imprisoned for ten years, but he was released early. Half a day!"
An obvious pause brought laughter from the audience again.
"If I were him, I would take the full seat and not owe him half a day."
Qi Long counted on his fingers: "Your father has been in prison for nine years and more than three hundred and sixty-six and a half days."
"Wait a minute, your calculation of half a day is not correct. Shouldn't he be released half a day earlier? Why did he have to stay in prison for an extra day and a half?"
Qi Long said confidently: "It's a leap year! There is one every four years, so there are two leap years in ten years, so there are two more days and half a day less!"
This time, in addition to the laughter, there was also applause. People were really surprised by this unexpected joke!
"Oh, rigorous!"
"After nine years, three hundred and sixty-six and a half days in prison, you were exactly four years old when you returned home!"
"Yes," Dongqiang said and stopped him: "This is not right. My father was in prison for ten years and I was four years old. Is this normal?"
"So you two are not familiar with each other."
"Then it's not unfamiliar, it doesn't matter!"
"Look, you don't know, do you? A person gets one year older after his birthday!"
"Correct!"
"You were born on February 29th in a leap year, so you have celebrated your birthday four times, so you are four years old. Actually, you are sixteen!"
"Why don't you just say sixteen? It's easy for people to misunderstand you!"
Qi Long then said that it was because Dongqiang did not have his father's company during the ten years of elementary and junior high school from the age of six to sixteen, and his father was in prison, that he felt inferior in school and could not hold his head up, so he was not close to his father after he was released from prison.
The father and son had nothing to do with the family like strangers. The old man was upset because he had to find someone to inherit his cooking skills, especially the recipe of Enshima.
So he found Dongqiang’s crosstalk partner Qi Long.
"The old man said he wanted to make me his godfather and teach me all his cooking skills!"
"Is this reasonable? My father, at such an old age, recognizes you as his godfather?"
"Be my godfather"
"It's still weird, just say you call my dad godfather!"
"Yes, I call your father godfather!"
The story continues, the godfather told Qi Long all his experiences studying abroad, including the formula of Enshima, which is why Qi Long knew so much about it before.
The most important thing is that the old man passed on the chef’s secret skill of “roasting” to Qi Long.
"Hey, don't just follow me blindly. If you go in for another ten years, I'll have to do stand-up comedy!" Dong Qiang reminded.
Qi Long nodded: "Don't worry, your father has learned the lesson from his failure. You can't cook too hard, just target the ingredients, and hide them well. If he doesn't find out, he can't blame the chef. We went out to cook last winter!"
This is when the work officially started. Dongqiang's father took Qilong to a family who was holding a wedding to prepare a buffet. The host's family prepared food for twenty tables.
The two of them went over to take a look, and wow, there was half a pig!
"When your father saw it, he was immediately delighted, eh!"
He took out a kitchen knife and chopped off the pig's tail. Dongqiang thought that he was going to take the pig's tail away, but Qi Long said that it was half a pig's tail that was hung behind Qi Long and covered with a cotton coat.
In this segment, Qi Long started to show off his kung fu skills, standing on the stage and performing without any props, carrying half a pig on his back. He couldn't bear the weight and fell straight down.
He really fell backwards, and when his angle reached over 60 degrees, Dongqiang went over and helped him up.
Then hang the beef and mutton in the front and cover it with cotton clothes, so that it is consistent and stable.
My left arm was filled with rice and the cuffs were tied tightly. The left side sank and then fell to the left.
He stuffed his right arm with beef balls and stood firmly again.
The left leg is filled with various chicken and duck offal, and the right leg is filled with various pig and cow offal.
There was a circle of fans around the neck, covered with a scarf.
There was tofu pudding on his head, covered with a hat. Whenever Qi Long saw an ingredient, he would say, "Your father would be delighted when he saw it, 煙!"
In the end, the sound of "炰" was shouted out by the audience together, and the effect on site was quite good.
How can I leave the kitchen when I am so full of food? Dongqiang's father came up with an idea. He made an ear spoon and walked forward slowly while picking his ears.
It was also a non-property performance, with weights all over the body and walking with ears covered, which aroused cheers.
"Finally, I was unlucky and was run into by the master. Your father wanted me to leave quickly, so he said I was sick and asked me to go back first. At worst, he would take the blame and go to jail for another ten years. He had to let me, his apprentice, learn how to cook. Besides, his son cannot be without a partner!
The owner refused and insisted on dragging me along to check the accounts. I got anxious and sneezed, and the white tofu brain on my head flowed out.
"Ouch, it's exposed!"
"Your father pointed at me and said to the host, 'Let the child go quickly, the child is too sick to survive.'"
"Why doesn't it work?"
"The brains are all spilling out!"
Dong Qiang threw his hands up: "Go to hell!"
At this point, the crosstalk ended. The two men took a step back, bowed and thanked the audience, which in turn brought them passionate applause and cheers.
In addition to this program, after the international art students performed some programs and Cai Ming and Xu Fan sang two songs, Qi Long and Dong Qiang came up with the second program: "AI Treating Diseases".
After taking the stage, Qi Long talked about how he had been on a long flight and had a sore neck. He heard that nowadays, if you are sick, you don’t need to go to the hospital directly. You can just tell your small problem to AI online, and AI will tell you what the disease is most likely to be. Maybe it can be cured by applying a plaster.
"But I worked all day today, and the AI didn't give me an answer!"
Dong Qiang looked disdainful: "You don't know how to use it?"
"Hey, don't look down on me. You play me and I play AI. You definitely won't be able to figure it out."
Dongqiang didn't believe it, so the two of them started trying.
This program was originally called "Expert Consultation Hotline", which was a phone call program. In order to adapt to the current era, Qi Long changed it to an AI medical consultation program on the Internet.
Dongqiang clicked on the webpage, and Qilong spoke in a mechanical voice: "Hello, welcome to the AI service project of "You have a disease, I have medicine". Please reply 1 if you want to use English."
"Oh, there's English? Let me try."
Qi Long greeted: "Hi!"
"hi" Dongqiang pretended to type on the keyboard with both hands.
"How are you!
Dongqiang continued typing and gave a standard answer: "I'm fine thank you, and you?"
After saying this, Qi Long pointed at Dong Qiang and said, "Chinese, what English service do you choose?"
The international students in the audience burst into laughter. This confused the sisters in the tour group. How did they know that he was Chinese? Shouldn't this be the answer? Basically, this is what the first lesson of Huaxia English class teaches. Remember it well!
This is typical, I don't get the joke.
However, a crosstalk artist must make his crosstalk clear, so Dongqiang asked on behalf of the people who didn't understand why the people below were laughing: "How do you know I'm from China?"
"Only Chinese people speak English in a fixed way. When foreigners hear "how are you?", they may reply "good" to express good, but we Chinese will not do that. We will reply with the first standard answer we learned from the textbook. In fact, this kind of answer looks very pretentious to foreigners. They will tease you that you sound like Shakespeare!"
Dong Qiang was puzzled: "Pretentious? Shakespeare?"
"When you use written words orally, it will be very pretentious. Let me give you an example in Chinese. For example, if I say hello to you, you reply hello. Is that normal?!"
"That's normal, what about the pretentious statement?"
"I said hello, and you said: It's ok, how are you?"
"That's quite pretentious. It's just that people who speak English don't answer greetings in such an official way!"
"Yes!"
This is what makes international students laugh. They have more or less been treated as NPCs by foreigners and asked “How are you?” just to hear their serious answers!
Let's start over, Qi Long continued: Please reply one for English, and two for Niu Ma Yu.
Dongqiang, who originally planned to choose Chinese, was immediately attracted by this option and chose it.
Qi Long immediately started to clap exaggeratedly, just like the pattern of mutual encouragement in the morning in the sales company. When clapping, he had to rotate his body greatly, with one palm on his head and one palm on his waist, rotating his whole body, and rotating the palm on his head to the palm on his waist, making exaggerated clapping movements.
At the same time, Qi Long shouted:
"Workers, workers' souls, steel will tattooed on their bodies; if you don't work hard today, your boss can only drive a Xiali; as long as you endure the hardships, your boss can drive a Land Rover; don't be dissatisfied with overtime, buy your boss a new car, 996, is a blessing, blow the slogan of struggle!"
"Such a cow and horse?"
"After listening to this slogan, are you still asking me about medical treatment? Why don't you go and work overtime?"
"Hey, I forgot I was here to get treatment!"
Starting over, this time the first two did not affect Dongqiang, so he directly chose the third Chinese word, and then the commercial started.
[This slimming tea is safe and has no side effects. It is made of precious materials such as croton, rhubarb, and castor oil (all of which cause diarrhea, right?). It guarantees that you will lose weight. Let's listen to Ms. Li's experience. ]
Qi Long heard a female voice: "My measurements were before. After using the slimming tea, my measurements have become . Come and lose weight with me. I am so happy now~"
Qi Long then told Dong Qiang: "There is a skip ad in the upper right corner."
After the reminder, he immediately continued: "Live happily."
Dongqiang said: "Quickly click to skip the ad."
"Members can skip advertising services and get the cheapest annual subscription. I wish you can come to our AI doctor every day for 365 days a year."
"Isn't this a curse? Don't open it!"
Go back and start the ad from the beginning.
This was obviously a satire on the video advertisement. Everyone who heard it got the joke and started laughing. Dong Qiang stopped Qi Long and told him to stop talking and move on to the next step.
The advertisement is over, and now we are going to talk about diseases. If you have brain diseases, please reply one, and if you have shoulder diseases, please reply two.
When Dongqiang heard that there was no neck, he chose brain disease.
"Are you mentally ill?"
"No, I have a problem with my cervical spine!"
"Why are you replying when you have a problem with your cervical spine? I suspect you do have a brain problem, a cerebral thrombosis, a missing brain stem, brain damage, incomplete brain development, and a completely underdeveloped cerebellum."
"Isn't this insulting? Go back!"
I listened again and there was no neck. At this time, AI reminded me again. Members can choose AI one-on-one service. They don’t need to select a disease and AI will tell you the answer directly.
Dong couldn't bear it anymore, so he opened the phone and said that his cervical spine was not in good condition.
Qi Long spoke fluently and brainwashed with an accent:
"You have a bad cervical vertebra? The neck is the neck, and the vertebra is the vertebra. These are two completely different concepts. The neck is commonly known as the neck. The neck is the language of life. For example, if you go to the vegetable market and tell people that you want to buy chicken necks, they will give you chicken necks. But if you tell people that you want to buy chicken cervical vertebrae, they won't know, right?"
"What is all this mess?"
"The cone is the cavity bone in your neck. The neck is the neck, and the cone is the cone. You can't say the neck is the cone, nor can you say the cone is the neck. If you mistake the neck for the cone, then the cone will be mistaken for the neck. Only when you understand that the neck is the neck, will you know that the cone is the cone. Neck, cervical vertebra, vertebra, cone, cone, neck, neck, cervical vertebra, do you understand?"
"I'm totally confused. My cervical spine hurts. Can you tell me what's wrong with me?"
"Ouch, that's probably because my neck is getting sore from being squeezed."
"This is quite reliable!"
"It will affect the blood flow to the brain. If this continues for a long time, you will become paralyzed!"
"What should we do?"
"Don't worry, don't panic. We have medicine for your disease and AI will show you a way out!"
"What clear path?"
"Go to the hospital!"
"I'll go to you!"
The first one is Guo Yu's "Kitchen", which is very interesting. The second one is Li Weijian and Wu Bin's "Expert Consultation". The part about the cervical spine has brainwashed me for more than 20 years.
(End of this chapter)
