Chapter 129 If there are sensitive words on the crosstalk stage
Qi Long said that he met a leader while having a meal and was taken to the leader's table by the leader's secretary and driver.
"I know you, Xiao Qi!" Qi Long threw the gavel in his hand onto the table.
"What's this for?"
"Don't leaders have to throw their phones during meetings?"
"Oh!"
"I listened to your crosstalk, it's not good! It's not positive enough and the values are wrong!"
Dongqiang stood still: "What's wrong with the values? Hasn't the crosstalk always been saying this for so many years?"
"Before the leader even opened his mouth, the secretary at the side spoke up."
"How to say?"
"Talk back? Let me tell you, if the leader says you are right, then you are right, and if you are wrong, then you are wrong, and if he says you are wrong, then you are wrong, and if you are right, then you are wrong! And you are asking the leader what is wrong? Can't you figure it out yourself?"
Dongqiang was puzzled: "How do you figure this out?"
"The leader is quite polite. Secretary, please step aside. Xiao Qi is still young and doesn't understand. He needs some guidance!"
"That's right, you told me what's wrong!" Dongqiang nodded.
"I don't know either. I've never heard your crosstalk!" Qi Long said with a frown.
"Ah? He said we were wrong just because he hadn't heard it? That's too unreasonable?"
"Show me a piece and I'll point out your mistakes. Do you have any new works recently?" Qi Long asked in a low voice.
Dongqiang replied: "There is a new work recently. The ice and snow are melting, and everything is reviving. There is a group of crosstalk performers on the vast grassland, and the male supporting actor Dongqiang."
The announcer was speaking in a good tone, but suddenly he raised his hand and said, "Thunder is rolling!"
Qi Long frowned and raised his hand: "Stop, how can you say the word 'get out' on the stage?"
"what happened?"
"That's dirty talk. How can you say dirty talk on stage? Why don't you say Tian Lei Geng Geng instead!"
"I'm still feeling aggrieved about it!" Dong Qiang said helplessly.
"Stop, how can you say the word 'pregnant' on the stage?" Qi Long raised his hand again.
"You can't even tell me?"
"Holding, holding your head, it's easy to make people think of bad things (what's wrong with this), change, change to holding your head in your heart!" At this time, Qi Long saw his raised hand: "Hand!"
"Ah? It's just a matter of hand!"
"Stop, how can you say the word ah on stage?"
"Ah, can you tell me?"
"You are a Chinese crosstalk artist, how can you say the English letter r? You have to read it in pinyin."
"R (day)? This is worse than that! Besides, that's the one from Abbotts!"
"Stop! How can you say the pinyin r on stage?"
"Didn't you ask me to say that?"
"Swear words, change them to the sun!"
The art of satire is displayed to the fullest here. Just like before, the audience laughs at every sentence and guesses which word cannot be said, and also guesses what bizarre remarks the leader played by Qi Long will make.
The audience was happy, but Dongqiang was confused.
He blinked his eyes pitifully: "If you keep nitpicking, I can't continue this crosstalk!"
"Why can't you continue? Tell me a paragraph and I'll revise it for you. I guarantee it'll be better than before!" Qi Long waved his hand.
Dong Qiang: "You are a crosstalk artist, so you can change the crosstalk!"
"The person in charge of commerce can teach Ma Yun how to do business, but I can't teach you crosstalk! Speak!"
Dong Qiang sighed and talked about "The Reckless Man", a crosstalk actor's beginner's play. He looked at Qi Long after each sentence, but Qi Long didn't interrupt him. He kept talking until he got to the middle:
[Cao Mengde saw a young general wearing white on the top of the mountain]
Qi Long raised his hand: "Stop, how can we wear white? People watch crosstalk to have fun. If you mention wearing white, what should we do if we think of mourning clothes? Change it to red!"
"No, Zhao Yun wears white!"
"Ok?"
Dong Qiang nodded, OK: [Young general in red, red helmet, red armor, red flag, riding a white and red dragon horse, holding a bright silver spear, real.]
"Stop, how can you say the word silver on stage? It's so dirty."
Dong Qiang complained to the audience: "People with a heart condition will hear everything dirty!"
The audience cheered loudly.
"And you can't mention the gun, China has a ban on guns! You can change the bright silver gun to a stick made of steel produced in Northeast China, but that won't work. A stick will easily make people think of other things. A knife made of steel won't work either, it's too dangerous. What if someone who watches the crosstalk imitates it?"
"Please give me a definite answer!"
"Oh, I got it. Just say that Zhao Yun's weapon is an ear pick made of steel produced in Northeast China!"
The whole audience burst into laughter, this change is too outrageous!
Everyone can laugh, except Qi Long and Dong Qiang. They have to be in a prescribed situation, one plays the role of a leader who knows nothing, and the other plays the role of a speechless crosstalk artist. "Can an ear pick kill the enemy?"
"If the leader says it's okay, then it's okay!"
[He rides a red dragon horse and uses an ear pick made of steel produced in Northeast China. He is truly a brave general.]
"Stop, what?"
"So!"
"Change, just change!"
"Oh, he is indeed a brave general."
Just like that, a good passage of "The Reckless Man" was changed into various lyrics. To put it simply, Cao Cao cannot be called Cao Cao, but Cao Mengde.
A more complicated situation is that the entire word cannot be used. For example, when saying die, you cannot say die, you have to say ride a crane to the west!
[After this order was issued, Cao's soldiers had to retreat and dared not advance. Zhao Yun, with the young lord in his arms and the special bravery of the victorious general, fought seven times and finally broke out of the encirclement! ]
"Stop! How can you use the word 'kill'? Haven't you seen the TV shows where the subtitles for the word 'kill' are changed to 'mouth'? Change it to 'mouth'!"
"Zhao Yun said seven times in and seven times out?" Dong Qiang was shocked.
The audiences were laughing so hard that they were clapping their thighs and bending forward. Some were leaning back and laughing so loudly that you could almost see their tonsils. This joke was just too good!
"Yes!" Qi Long still remained serious.
"It feels even worse. People are resentful. From I want to kill you, I want to mouth you to death?"
"Isn't this repaying evil with kindness?" Qi Long nodded with satisfaction.
Dong Qiang continued to give examples: "When people sing that song, they have to sing it like this: [I want you to be beautiful and I want you to be able to talk without blinking an eye]!"
"My secretary is like this!" Qi Long smiled even more ambiguously.
"Li Bai's "Xia Ke Xing" should be changed to: 'One person every ten steps, and no one stops for a thousand miles?'"
"Doesn't this better demonstrate Li Bai's romanticism?"
"So romantic? This is obscene," Dong Qiang pushed him: "Stop, stop, stop, you can't listen to him!"
Qi Long put away his frowning brows and turned into a natural expression: "Brother, you are lucky. We are just simulating it. I was even worse!"
"What's wrong with you?"
"He asked me to do a storytelling, gave me words I couldn't say, and asked me to replace all the words I couldn't say with "di di". A good storytelling turned into a telegram!"
"Come on!"
Qi Long stood straight, his movements were the same as Zhang Fei's, but what he said was:
[Drip drip drip drip, drip drip drip, hammer drip drip drip, big drip: "Drip drip listen, drip, today it's your Zhang San drip drip, you guys may drip, drip, drip, drip, or drip, no drip, no drip, no drip, no drip"]
If you listen to the intonation and pauses, you can tell that Qi Long is talking about "The Reckless Man", and his posture is also that of a reckless man, staring with his eyes, imitating Zhang Fei's leopard head and round eyes, and shouting, imitating Zhang Fei's loud voice, but all he hears are dripping sounds.
[There are dripping dripping: "Drip dripping slope dripping clouds, drip drip drip drip dripping, drip drip drip drip dripping virtue, drip drip drip drip dripping people!"]
"Go to hell!" Dongqiang pushed Qi Long after his performance.
The two men stepped back and bowed.
At this point, the crosstalk ended and the audience cheered and applauded.
Qi Long and Dong Qiang's crosstalk really did not disappoint. It was new from beginning to end. The laughter started with thunder and continued until the end. Many people were so tired of laughing that they felt their abdominal muscles were about to burst out from laughing.
This ticket price is really worth it! This segment alone is worth the money, not to mention the two crosstalks by Qi Long and Dong Qiang that follow.
One is "Old Old Man", the other is "Dong Qiang's Love Diary"!
Although most of Qi Long and Dong Qiang's crosstalk fans have seen the performances in the small theater, they know that the two will definitely use new gags.
This is indeed the case. When Qi Long was making up history in "Old Old Man", he made some outrageous remarks that made the audience laugh.
The first one: Qin Shihuang’s name was Li Shimin, and he has a lot of reason to believe it because there is a TV series called "The Legend of Qin Emperor Li Shimin"!
The second one: He believed that Liu Bei was a very hypocritical person and that his kindness was all fake. The most important argument was that when Zhuge Liang died, Liu Bei was not sad at all.
There is no record in any historical materials about what Liu Bei did when Zhuge Liang died.
When Qi Long was speaking, the whole audience laughed. Dong Qiang was silent. After a while, he asked him, "Is it possible that Liu Bei was already dead at that time? You can still criticize across time. Then tell me, why didn't you attend your parents' wedding?"
Qi Long was stunned by the question and looked puzzled: "Yeah, why didn't my parents invite me to their wedding? Am I their biological child?"
"If you weren't a biological child, I would have invited you!"
When it came to "Dongqiang's Weight Loss Diary", he also threw off a new burden, which was that Dongqiang imitated me and wrote letters in the snow to express my love, but he ended up drawing "I love" because he had no urine!
There was also a guy who followed his friends' advice and gave her a lipstick, only to find out that the girl had booked a room with a strange man in their hotel property.
Everyone was trying to persuade Dongqiang, but Dongqiang smiled and said proudly: "She wore the lipstick I gave her, and I felt involved."
Every new joke, after being processed by the crosstalk actors on stage, achieved the desired effect and made the audience laugh out loud.
When it came to the final encore performance, Qi Long mentioned that several of his artist friends had come to the scene, including Sun Honglei, Sha Yi, Ruan Jingtian, and Huang Bai. He forced them to come up and perform, giving everyone a little surprise.
Sun Honglei performed his breakdance, and Qi Long danced with him for fear that Sun Honglei would be embarrassed.
At the same time, he also promoted "Extreme Man", telling everyone that Sha Yi became nervous after going there, and everyone must go and see it.
Amidst the jubilation, the second crosstalk show ended successfully.
(End of this chapter)
