Chapter 264: Lighting a Lamp with Vinegar
In the introduction part of the crosstalk, Qi Long chose to talk about how rich Dongqiang's family was, and then quickly talked about his own family, which was the story in the traditional crosstalk "Lighting the Lamp with Vinegar".
"Let's talk about the number of people in our family first. It's impossible to count them by mouth, we have to count them by number."
"Fight? You guys have beer at home?" Dongqiang was curious.
Qi Long shouted, "You still have cooking wine at home!"
"Didn't you say you wanted to fight? Do people fight?"
"If there are too many people, we have to fight. There are nine dozen people in our family, a total of 108 people!"
Dong Qiang was confused: "A Liangshan hero? Then you must be the golden retriever who ranks last, right?"
"You are the shorty Song Jiang!"
"That's Guo Degang," Dong Qiang said casually.
"What 108 generals? They are 108 of my family members!"
"Do not believe!"
Qi Long said he didn't believe it, so he just counted them. He picked up his fingers and broke off one: "My mother, this one has it!"
"Yes! Who doesn't have a mother, right? My mom is still in the bodyguard's arms, listening to a lullaby!" Dongqiang returned with another joke, making the audience burst into laughter.
“Does this count as a mouthful?”
"Go on!"
Qi Long recited a short passage: "My biological mother, my father's daughter-in-law, my daughter-in-law's mother-in-law, my child's grandmother, my mother-in-law's relatives, and my eldest uncle's sister."
There are all kinds of names for one's mother in family relationships. In short, they are all referring to the same person, and there are more than a dozen of them mentioned along the way.
Even Dong Qiang's address to Qi Long's mother, godmother, was included.
"Is this just one fight?"
"So your mother alone is one dozen? What about the second dozen?"
"My wife, right?"
"Yes, how can this be considered a dozen?"
"My wife, my wife, my cuckold, the woman in the room, the mother of my child." Another short passage.
After finishing his words, Dongqiang asked, "What does this have to do with me?"
"I just said it, my brother's sister-in-law!"
"I thought your mother was my godmother and your wife was my godmother"
Qi Long pushed him and said, "What does my wife have to do?"
"Yes, generally speaking, the four tones are discussed."
The audience laughed, and Qi Long used a phrase that Dong Qiang often used every time he mentioned a dirty joke: "You'd better say it according to the words."
"You didn't give me the lyrics either. I just found out today that my mother was being held by her bodyguard while singing a lullaby!"
The audience off the field clapped their legs and laughed. They couldn't get over this!
The third one is about the son, and it’s another line of dialogue, something like my father’s grandson, my father-in-law’s grandson.
After saying a lot, he pointed at Dongqiang and said, "Your godfather!"
"No, Mr. Qi, please explain clearly, what is mine?"
"Your godfather." Qi Long was still vague.
Dong Qiang: “What?”
Qi Long acted impatiently and shouted in a clear voice: "Godfather!"
"Oh!" Dong Qiang and the audience responded together, then looked at Qi Long proudly.
Qi Long touched his eyes in melancholy, and then an idea came to him: "Look, I have to call those dads of yours godfathers!"
Dongqiang's smile disappeared and shifted to the audience's faces.
Qi Long turned the tables: "Use less ethical jokes"
"Who used it first? You're still blaming me. Let's get back to the point. Who used it the fourth time?"
Qi Long laughed: "I'm just kidding, there is no fourth group. There are only four people in our family, my mother, me, my wife and my son."
When counting, Qi Long opened his palm, said one, and broke off a finger. When he finally mentioned his son, he turned and pointed at Dongqiang.
"Don't point at me. Where's your father?"
Qi Long sighed: "It disappeared without a trace!"
"Oh, missing?"
"Hang up. Do I have to explain it so clearly? Do I have to reveal my sad story to you? I have already said it in a tactful way, and it disappeared without a trace!"
"Does 'disappeared' mean dead?"
"Isn't it? Think about it, if a person can fly without wings, doesn't that mean his soul is going to heaven?"
"Is that your explanation? I'm sorry for bringing up your sad story!"
Qi Long waved his hand: "It's okay, I'm very strong. In fact, our family is small and we have a lot of difficulties. Take my mother for example. The old lady wants me to support her. Don't you think it's infuriating?"
"How refreshing! You are the old lady's biological son. If you don't support him, who will?"
"Just feed him, but as for your food, do you eat every day? You have to eat every day."
"Nonsense, everyone has to eat every day." "The key is that I can't make any money, and my wife is the same. She will eat mine even if she doesn't help me."
Dongqiang was shocked again: "If she doesn't eat yours, whose will she eat?"
"The most annoying thing is my son." Qi Long pointed at Dong Qiang again, and was slapped back. "He's hungry as soon as he opens his eyes. He either wants food or money. As soon as he opens his eyes, he says: Dad, give me some money. I'm hungry. I said with a straight face: Are you hungry again? Didn't you eat on Children's Day?"
"Children's Day food? It's already July! How can this child bear it?"
"You rich people don't understand, for a poor person like me, having a meal during festivals is enough."
"I've never heard of it. They only eat it once a year."
Qi Long talked about his family story. His son had a nickname called "Yan Tang'er". What did it mean? Everything he did was salty (disliked). All the neighbors disliked him. As soon as they saw him coming, they knew they wanted to eat him.
The key point is that the neighbors are not human either. Knowing that their family can't make ends meet, they still compete with each other by cooking at the doorstep and each one's cooking is more sumptuous than the other.
In the east, people eat dumplings; in the west, people eat meat pies; in the south, people eat noodles with soybean paste; in the north, people eat fried dough sticks.
A child went to watch someone making dumplings. He stared at the old lady from five meters away and asked her, "What's boiling in your pot?"
"The old lady just waved her hand: Go away, Dumpling, have you never seen this before? Get away from me, or I'll burn you if you stand here!"
Dong Qiang: "Can it be burned from five meters away?"
"Just tell me, the old lady was deliberately irritating me. I was not happy at the time. She could have burned you by standing five meters away. How come she didn't burn you to death when she took it out and put it in your mouth? Come on, son, let's go to the west to watch the meat pies and not look at them!"
"Relying on watching to satisfy your hunger?"
"The old lady was still yelling: This old man is such a loser, his child has never eaten dumplings! My son is not good enough, he said he wanted to eat dumplings, which made me angry. I said what's so good about dumplings, they are just skin on the outside and stuffing on the inside, they will run away after eating!"
"Ah? Eating dumplings?"
"I deliberately angered the old lady, but she was not angry. Instead, she shouted into the house: Daughter-in-law, let's cook more today. It's just right to clean our stomach."
Before he could go to see the meat pie making, Qi Long's wife in the story called him into the house and told him not to take the child out to embarrass him.
Every day, I say that my neighbor is not good at eating dumplings, because they will burst, and that eating meat patties is not good, because they will push, and that eating this is not good, because they will burp.
Why don't you look at your own home? You haven't eaten for days and you're just starving.
Marry a man to get clothes and food. If you don't let me eat, why should I marry you?
"When I heard him say this, I was stunned!"
"That's right, you have to find a way to make money!"
"I tried to fight back against her. I said, if you want to marry a wife, you have to endure hunger. If you don't endure hunger, what kind of husband and wife are we?"
"You are still too poor!"
"My mother was still joining in the fun, muttering something about how I could still have enough to eat without a son, but couldn't have enough to eat with a son. I got angry at the time: Mom, what you said is wrong. What meal did I miss? It's just..."
"Isn't it just that you didn't eat today?"
"I haven't eaten since last week."
"what?"
Since his family members were putting pressure on him, Qi Long decided to go out and try his luck. If I don't earn a thousand yuan in three days, I won't come back and you can just treat me as a dead person.
"At this time, they are still a married couple. When I was about to go out, my wife called me from behind."
"This is true love. I'm almost starving to death, but I'm still thinking about you!"
"As soon as I turned around, I was kicked in the face and kicked out. Then the door was locked: 1,000 yuan for three days? You can't even get that much money even if you sell yourself. You'd better not come back! Do you think you are a couple?"
Qi Long was angry to leave, but he lost his energy as he walked. It's not that easy to make money. Who would give you money for no reason? It's easier to die.
So he started to make money while seeking death. He snatched a knife and wanted to commit suicide, but the boss said, "I've given you the knife, don't be impulsive, and if you want to die, don't die here."
He turned around and sold the knife, earned a dozen dollars, and bought something to eat.
I want to die as a well-fed ghost!
He jumped into the river, tested the water depth, but it didn't work. He hanged himself, but he didn't die after hanging for three hours.
"You have to hang yourself by the neck, like me doing crosstalk outside a teahouse!"
"I was hanged by the neck, my feet were numb but I didn't die!"
"The ankle?"
"If you can't die, and you survive a disaster, you will have good fortune in the future."
"Are you in trouble?"
Qi Long continued to tell the story, saying that he saw a package of goods dropped from a clothing company's truck. He waited for half a night but the other party didn't notice it, so Qi Long rushed over. As a result, the package of goods stood up and turned out to be a dog, which bit him.
He left in a daze and met a fox fairy. He kowtowed three times, and the fox fairy disappeared. He stretched out his hand, and it was a white dog, which hit him again.
He was so angry that he picked up a brick nearby and hit the dog. However, it was dark and he couldn't see clearly, so his hands got dirty and touched his shoes. The dog got excited when it smelled the dirt and took the shoes away.
I was out for half the night, but I didn't die and I even lost one of my shoes.
I returned home in a daze, and the lights in my house wouldn't turn on.
Qi Long said he had to get something done, so he took the oil bottle to the nearby grocery store and said in the middle of the night that his wife was about to give birth and he needed to buy ten kilograms of rice, ten kilograms of flour, three eggs, and five kilograms of brown sugar.
There are many lines in "Opening a Porridge Factory" that are said continuously.
The boss happily opened the small window and heard his own voice. "If you only want oil, I'll give you ten yuan. Don't worry about the rest. Wait until my wife gets pregnant, and then I'll come to buy it!"
The boss knew he was cheated and was very angry, but he still gave a good answer.
When he got home, Qi Long spilled oil on the table and tried to light the pizza for a long time but failed.
"Because the angry boss filled the oil bottle with vinegar."
"Hey, vinegar lights the lamp?"
(End of this chapter)
